31 December 2012


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Alhamdulillah, another year has passed. The year 2012 was more than I could've hoped for. I met amazing new friends and made some lasting memories. Most importantly, I went on a journey of change.

It was not something that I planned for but it was surely in His plans for me. For that, I am ever grateful. And He made it easy for me by sending friends to help me along the way. My family encouraged too, alhamdulillah :)

However, 'easy' does not mean it was an unchallenging path. I've hit so many bumps, fell down countless holes and I still carry the scars to show it.

My hope and du'a for this coming year is for Allah to grant me the strength to carry on in this path - the route He has chosen for me. I am still at a lost. I still have not found my footing yet.

Life is like a pendulum. My life at least. The second I was born, He started my journey by initiating the swing. And through my 20 years, I have swayed back and forth. Sometimes to the right. Other times to the left. Occasionally altering my path away from the regular left-right motion. 

And like a pendulum, the arc of my swing has been getting smaller. No one's arc will ever get longer. In fact we are all in a limbo, a countdown that was predetermined by the first swing. Some have it in them to reach 100, while some never saw the world - only breathing the air once before their journey ends. The are even those whose time was too short we do not know for certain if they'd lived at all.

One day, all of us will stop.

I can only pray that when I do, I stop in the best spot possible. No, that came out wrong. I now know that it is insufficient to 'just pray for the best'. We can work for the best too!

This deen is a religion based on effort. I do believe how much you put in to make something work (relative to your full potential) counts in His eyes. But do you know your maximum capacity? Chances are, you know nothing of it. 

That is why we all have to work to the best of our abilities to reach our desired target. Frankly, I have not done nearly enough for myself this last year. Now the time has come when everyone sets their resolution(s) for the upcoming year.

What's mine?

I'd rather not tell. Whatever it is, I'll strive for it all the way, bumps, holes, thorns and pain all in. And maybe the chunks of happiness I find along the way, that too I'll take in.

Maybe this year I'll do something for someone else's life instead for a change. Why not cut the crap and not be selfish for once?

There's only so much we can do before our pendulum comes to a halt.

"How much time do we have left?"

"Not much. Not much..."

19 December 2012

This is gonna be a long one....

These past few days has been boring. Much to be done but not much doing going on. Part of it cause I'm lazy, another part because I can't do it. Yet. Anyways, now that I've put some thought into it, I think I know what the issue is. I lack motivation.

Now, before you read on, this post is going to be a jumble of words and sentences that might make you wonder if I really have anything to say. Well, here's the truth: I don't have anything to say. Reading this won't benefit you in any way. It is not informative, it is not beneficial. Writing this is also not doing any good for me.

But... seeing as how my life got all so suddenly drab, I couldn't help but write it. So unless you have nothing better to do, (in other words you're just as bored) read on.

This semester was supposed to be the most relaxed period in our 2-year study period. We had finished the syllabus earlier than expected. We had no exams. Life was sweet. Not! 

Due to circumstances better left unsaid, my break has just started. And already it's coming to a close. Three (maybe four) months of holiday cut short to three (maybe four) weeks max. Of course, I would love to have it extended if possible. Yet, I have that tiny tinge of longing for class to start. Why you may ask? Because classes mean I have a purpose. Holidays lack that. And I need a purpose.

It is also important to note that I have changed considerably in the past few months. (See me jumping from one  topic to the next? I warned you...) I remembered how in the past I could live on everyday without the company of other humans. I liked having people around but I didn't need them. It was like condiments on ice-cream. It's okay if it's there but the ice-cream's tasty enough on its own. Well, not anymore. Living alone for two days is enough to drive me nuts. (I may have gone nuts after 3 hours, I don't know) Now I really have to rethink how to survive in the future. I know I will not have people around me all the time, so I need to revise a plan to keep me focused.

You may think I'm a wimp who can't even live alone. Well, it's not that. This house can be full of ghosts for all I care. Since being alone, I've finally come to realise that in many ways I am a very social being. I may not talk that much. Just social, in my own terms.

For two days, I have not eaten anything except bread. A few pieces for breakfast, a few more for lunch, and just a cup of plain water for dinner. And guess what? I don't feel hunger. I learnt that hunger is just a mechanism for me to socialise. Without anyone around me, there's no point in eating anymore. So I stop. 

"Why'd you eat then?"

Because I well know that while I can stand it, my body can't. I am perfectly fine with it. My body, however, starts to feel weak. So for my body's sake, I take a few bites. Of bread.

Sleep. What a nice sensation. What a pleasant way to fast-forward your life. If before, sleep was a biological necessity, it is now my escape. I have no one to speak to, nothing to do. So I sleep with the hope of waking up from this dream. But always, always I wake feeling more depressed than the night before. Thinking of the facing the rest of the day alone makes me sleepy. So I drift again, into sleep...

Sometimes, I feel like going out and seeing the world. And then I'd go down and check on a few things. Keys, phone, wallet. And always, always I forget to bring my voice. I don't use it, so I often misplace it. So I'd spend the day looking for it. Night would come, I'll have my cup of water and it's off to bed.

So that's pretty much my life cycle. Not much to it is there? If any of you have read until this line, then I hope you get what I'm saying. Don't be me.

And dearest class, when will you come and take me away from this prison of freedom?

22 November 2012


The solitary tree stood strong in the middle of a vast expense of grassland. All around, jagged pieces of rock pierced the land making a colossal border between the world outside and the haven locked within.

For so long, the tree remained green and healthy. Warm winds gave the place a fresh breath. The base of the tree became shelter from harsh sunlight while warmth emanated from its shade for any who pass underneath. 

Then one day, a boy came to that tree. At first, he sought the tree's protection but as time flew by, he began to ruin and mar the tree. He poked at the roots, picked at the leaves. The boy soon realised he had been mistreating that which had saved him initially.

Sadden by his own act of destruction, the boy sought a way to preserve the tree - with all its beauty and grandeur intact - before further damage can be inflicted. He knew deep within his lonely heart that the tree will grow again, that time will make it whole again and that his parting will heal - both the tree and himself. But only if he leaves the place. For now.

A single leaf - young and bright and green - fell into his lap. It seems the tree too is urging him to go on.

So with heavy steps, lead in his chest and a single leaf in hand, he took off away from the familiar soil of comfort into the great unknown. The sun was setting. A new day was dawning. Harrowing as it may be, he saw the necessity in his action. Until the time is right. "Until I can correct my intentions,"  cried the little voice in his head.

He stole one last look at the tree. From a distance, the tree looked amazing. Bright orange from the last light of the slipping sun. Or was it light from within? A little bit of both he thought. It was a bittersweet moment.

Gripping the leaf, the boy set forward.

19 November 2012

Hidden Meanings

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

That person was not given colour because people are prone to rust, just like myself.

The window is large enough to see out of the house, but if you dream big, you can see the world from just about anywhere and looking in any direction.

The walls are bare and at one glance may look weak, fragile even but due to the force constantly being applied to it, I believe it can and will stand against all adversity.

The stairs don't even provide a solid foothold, but think differently and you may just reach the top without taking the stairs (the normal route others often take).

The box may be small but know this: it was made of a bigger substance and only with a strong will (and enough glue) can we hold it down to size.

The storm is coming (and will come) from every and any direction but stay awhile and you'll soon find it just a gust of really strong wind that circulates in a vortex. Cut it at one point and it gets smaller. Just remember to cut it one small bit at a time. Don't overdo it.

The flower - the only object with colour(s) - gives life to what would otherwise be a plain setting. Keep that colour vibrant and continue to grow :)

Remember these things. And remind me in case I forget.

13 November 2012

Empty Corridors & Dusty Hallways

Sayu, semacam hari-hari terakhir di sekolah dulu. Tapi waktu tu sempat juga berjabat tangan, berpelukan sebelum masing-masing mencari haluan sendiri. Bergurau untuk kali terakhir, bertukar-tukar senyuman. Kali ni, tak sempat.

Tapi, insyaAllah, satu hari nanti kita boleh bertemu lagi. Kalau tak di sini, di sana.

Terima kasih para sahabat :)


The scenery tonight is one of complete and utter marvel. It is not one of those views you have to pay just so you can get a glimpse. One look and that's it. No. In fact, this spectacular 'feast for the eyes' is a free-for-all incidence. Words simply cannot describe the intricate details of such wonders for no choice of vocabulary arranged in any manner will do justice to tonight's simple, yet majestic aura.

However, I will try to explain to the best of my abilities.

Before that, though, let's delve into issues of 'values'. What are 'values'? What makes something, some memories, someone or some places 'valuable'? What do you value most in life? These, and many other unresolved questions will mark most of our lives. And admit it or not, we never really understand our own justifications for appreciating something. Admit it or not, we never truly know why we love certain things, hold one person in a higher position to others, or even choose one item in a menu over the rest of the list of food items.

But know this: The best things in life i.e. the objects of highest value in life usually come free. The time spent with family and friends. A drop of rain after a hot day, a ray of sunshine after the heavy downpour, a breath of oxygen into the lungs - all given to us, with minimal or no effort on our part.

At the same time, know this too: None of the privileges shoved into our lives are free. You shed time from your personal life to get down and sit with those you love. Rain for you means floods for others. The warmth of the sun is an inferno that siphons water and food sources in one part of the world, making the commodity scarce. One breath you take in is one breath of air less for someone who truly needs it. Since you took that oxygen, he got none. As absurd as it seems, this is the sad truth about privileges. There is always, always a cost to it.

Tonight was no different. The wonders of waking up at this hour (the time just before dawn) comes at the expense of certain aspects of my life. For one, I lose sleep. My body is screaming all around me, ordering me to lie down, to rest, to stop straining my eyes, muscles and brain. But, like I said, this night is not like other nights. Somehow , it was different. In a good way, that is. I do not why it's so unusual (didn't I say we never know why we like certain things?) but it was not unwanted.

This calmness is rare especially in an urban industrial setting such as here (wherever 'here' may be). In the dead of night, the usual buzz of engine and honks of, well honks, seem so alien it was as if those dreaded sounds never echoed over the large concrete walls of tall buildings. And the hoards of people that, in daylight, often litter the streets of this metropolitan somehow seem to vanish into thin air.

*this is where I fell asleep. I never, until this day, recalled what I'd intended to say originally* *double sigh*

21 October 2012

Learning To Say 'No'

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

If this was a test, then I am miserably failing. I need space - something that seems to be depleting real soon - to clear something up, with people around me and with myself.

I am a big bag of mess. I have may compulsive disorder among other (soon to be discovered) mental problems.

I wrote this to stay sane. Hopefully I'll recover some of my lost senses - sense of direction, sense of distance, sense of time, commonsense - when (if) I wake up tomorrow.

Till then, I have to reorganize my life. "Now, where did I put my schedule?"

09 October 2012


The Road Most Took

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 
-The Road Not Taken 
Robert Frost

07 October 2012


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Apa sebenarnya yang terkandung dalam hidup kita ini? Dari dulu aku selalu bertanya. Okay, takdalah dari dulu punya dulu, more to since Form 3 kut. Sebab apa soalan tu timbul? Entah. Jujur aku langsung tak ingat.

Tapi waktu tu, aku menyendiri. Macam sekarang. Aku tak bergaul sangat, just bertepuk bertampar sekadar nak lupakan rasa berat di hati, sekadar nak cover, sekadar yang masih termampu untuk tersenyum. Bila terbiar berseorangan, macam-macam perasaan mula menyelinap. Rasa tak tenteram, rimas, lemas. Tapi aku buat endah tak endah, budget and mungkin sedikit ego. Taknak jumpa orang, taknak cerita, takkan berkongsi. Selfish. Itu aku.

Dan bila dah terlalu teruk, baru nak sedar diri. Menyesal atas kebodohan diri, yang selalu menolak tangan orang. Tangan yang sebenarnya aku sangat perlukan.

Sekarang musim itu datang lagi. Musim bersedih. Dulu, aku kira aku seorang je yang melalui musim ini. Namun sekarang aku tahu, ramai lagi yang sepertiku. Ada yang lebih teruk dugaan mereka. Dalam kalangan kawan-kawan aku pun ramai. Kadang-kadang aku teringin nak kumpulkan semua masalah, penyakit dan anything yang menyempitkan mereka & simpan dalam diri aku. Biar aku je yang tanggung semua. Walaupun aku tahu aku takkan mampu. Takkan mampu faham masalah mereka, takkan mampu kumpulkan semua kesakitan mereka, and most importantly takkan mampu nak tangani sebegitu besar cabaran.

Kalau aku mampu...

Kadang-kadang aku terkilan dengan kejahilan aku. Kita. Kita tahu apa yang sepatutnya kita buat. Kita tahu jalan penyelesaian sentiasa ada eventhough maybe pada awalnya mata kita dikaburi dek kebesaran masalah kita & kekerdilan diri kita. Tapi, looking back, pada dugaan yang aku pernah lalui dan yang pernah aku perhatikan orang lain tempuhi, in the end, walau gergasi manapun gunung yang menghalang, in the end kita semua berjaya. Buktinya? Kita masih bernafas, diberi nafas yang datangnya seiring dengan cabaran hari baru.

Jadi, kenapa kita selalu fokus pada masalah dan bukan pada penyelesaiannya? Walhal masalah takkan luput tanpa usaha. Usaha dan doa. Tapi kita berdoa sahaja banyak. Usaha ilek. Berdoa itupun ala kadar saja, tak disertai kepercayaan. Sekadar cukup syarat. Aku lebih-lebih lagi.

Kalau ikut norma kehidupan, kita sepatutnya semakin dewasa tiap hari yang silih berganti. Tapi aku  tak merasa begitu, sebab dulu aku pernah kenal seorang Afiz yang kuat. Dia yakin diri, dia tahu apa  yang dia nak dalam hidup, dan dia berusaha sehabis baik untuk capai target itu. Kalau dia jatuh, dia bangun dan teruskan dengan lagi gigih. Kalau dia terluka, dia tak terhenti. Kalau dia kalah pun dia masih menganggap dirinya menang. Kerana orang lain jugak mengiktiraf kemenangan dia. Mengapa? Kerana usaha dia menakjubkan.

Tapi Afiz itu sudah semakin pudar. Aku risau, satu hari nanti dia terkubur dan dilupakan. 


If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

-a beautiful piece by Rudyard Kipling

28 September 2012

3 Part Poet

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

I don't really know how to say things. The right way, that is. So often I have things needed saying but either it comes out wrong or it don't come out at all. Thus the writing and blogging.

People around me say things like "You really like to work on your blog" or "You must love writing" to me. Well they are wrong. I don't like to work on it, though they did get the writing part correct. To put it bluntly, I need this. Words. Why is it you may ask? Because, I find the right words to say and more importantly I can say things that matter most. Words that cannot take form in speech. Words and lines and details that I hope to never forget. Details that I fear I'll not remember. A part of myself that I cannot afford to lose.

I don't mean to sound this way. It just is.


Poems. I like them a lot. People continuously read them, treasure them and have a try at deciphering the lines. But they never succeed in getting the right interpretation.


Because there's none to begin with. Or there's too many interpretations to start from any single one.

Therefore, the poets left us with beautifully written words (or common words used with such style, it becomes a depiction of beauty) open for individual explication.

In one way or another, the words contained herein are similar to poems. My own version of poems. You read it and may try to decipher the true essence of the writing but I don't think anyone has got a true understanding of the story behind it all. Except me and Him.

So here ends it all,
Least for tonight.
Cause tomorrow is a new day,
Full of endings,
Rich of beginnings.
Whose I know not,
but one of us it may well be...

This is not a poem.
This is something for everyone.
 To think about, to reflect upon.


Last of all, I stumbled upon this song by accident. Funnily, I knew the part "ease my troubles that's what you do..". Like a distant memory, I remember someone from my childhood singing this song, probably my Mom. Enjoy the song~

But I like the Rod Stewart version better :)

21 September 2012

Intro With a Vert

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

If knowing had a price, it was you.
If knowing had to make a sacrifice, it was me.
But knowing did not know the price for the sacrifice,
Therefore knowing did not know.

Sorry for the mumbo-jumbo, I just had to write that down. You don't get it, fine with me.

Today was a day of many days. If this one day could span a week, this would be how the week-day or day-week felt:

Day 1
I have a schedule now, and as with any schedule it simply won't be of much help if you don't stick to it. So with heavy steps, I forced myself upright to a start of a new day. This day was very. Short. I figured I had one-hour to do some reading. 'Econs' it showed on my schedule. So Essentials of Economics it was for me. First time reading it really, an amazing feat I would boast to anyone who'll listen. Then, it was day two.

Day 2
Time to wake up from the book. Next stop, the meeting. The main reason for my being here (or there) today. We agreed for a time and place. I was at the right place and time, but the other party had neither right. I was a bit pissed off. However, I kept my cool, swallowed whatever grunting was coming out and started pacing of aimlessly. How long this day lasted? I wasn't aware. Most probably because it was so refreshing to have a day to walk without going anywhere. Just plain walking. Then, day three came.

Day 3
Yup, I have to wake from my jovial walk to nowhere and be somewhere. So we met up at the designated spot, waited for a third friend and heard what was there to be heard. I have to say, these people had high targets but sadly, the creativity and action did not match. So my friend and I gave a few ideas to improve here and there. More importantly, I had a chance to showcase my religion. It started with a simple question "What time does Friday prayer start?" and given her deep-rooted curiosity, we bounced more questions and answers for quite some time. Until, the meeting came to an end.

Day 4
I figured I might as well make the most of my visit. So I asked around for the office because who better to help me out than someone dedicated to a job of ensuring students get to their university of choice, right? Dead wrong! Needless to say, my week ended with a sharp jolt midway through.

Day 5
The happy days of the week has passed. I was pretty down with people, with myself, with the world in general. I never thought such a harsh world existed. Moreover, I didn't notice I was living in one such world. What a nasty way to wake someone up. What was going through me? A few things really. Was I really up for it? Why did I take the bumpy route when a paved walkway was present? And other more private questions not for the public to know.

Day 6
It was a new day. "Do not let the failures of yesterday hinder today and tomorrow". I talked myself into believing these words. Well, actually I walked myself into believing. Pretty much the same thing though. In my eyes, at least, they are one and the same. Have you ever been in such a state? What do you do in those times, if ever you face it? I walk. I also write. Like how I'm doing it now. I don't know why but writing your problems on paper has an aftereffect as if your problems are now literally separated from you. Some people throw it away but I never do that. Instead I keep it. For reasons you'll know if you ever read what I wrote today near the lake. The wind helped carried my worries away. It helped too that some people still has my back and cared enough to ask. I must have been dreadful at concealing my problems behind a fake smile. More practice perhaps?

Day 7
I figured sometimes in life you'll face a day, a week, a month or a year in all those time you have in your clock that seemed just a tad too dark for your liking. You may not like it. But put your trust in Him, for "Allah does not burden a person with something more than he can bear" [2:286]. I know this is true for the word of God is absolute. It's just that some things are too difficult to grasp. So I'll need some help re-affirming what I already know. Wherever its coming from, I'll be glad of accepting it.

Yours sincerely,
The Introvert.

16 September 2012

Lights Come Alive

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

The downpour was heavy yesterday. Well, it was good then I had a roof over my head. Nothing beats a good old car on rainy days. And the rain brought with it a certain coolness that was just perfect after a hot, sweaty afternoon. Alhamdulillah.

Two turns ahead, I arrived. But it was much too early for anyone to be there. Plus, it is the weekends. A long one too. Which is exactly why we can sacrifice one day of it for a side trip down south. A last outing before semester starts you can call it.

"Oh well. It's better that I'm alone. Less prying eyes."

So I got on with washing myself and must I tell you again how sweet the sensation of finally washing all the dried-up sweat. How the temperature helped set the mood. And it helped that no one was around. I must have taken a long time, but by the time I was done - and all my stuff re-packed and safely in the trunk - I still had tons of time on my watch if I had my watch.

Wandered I did satisfying the curiosity and boredom in me. Mostly boredom really. The sky was clearing by this time only letting fall the smallest of raindrops as if its belly is being discharged of the last of its contents to deep satisfaction. I didn't notice when it stopped for good though because there was nothing much to see in the first place and less than five minutes later I was in the mosque.

Had this trip been with the old me, I would've taken retreat at the back and immediately slept. Don't get me wrong, I was running on spare battery but the new me won't take sleep as number one on my priority list. Instead, I did some reading. I don't quite get the words but this is one book you can relate to without understanding the words. Of course, value is added with comprehension.

And yet, even after a few pages it was just too early. But I was not alone anymore. Two more souls were there spaced apart from one another maybe three, I didn't get a good look. The drugs of drowsiness was too strong but I tried to fight it. In my trance of being semi-awake, I saw people coming in small groups. I heard voices but words were inaudible. I thought I must have looked funny - a boy in blue sitting at the second row nodding at invisible walls.

Five minutes before time. I passed out.

Deep sleep took over. Total and complete blankness. It was great!

After what seemed like hours, the sound of a voice woke me up. I was in a busy mall I thought. There were people everywhere. Multicoloured lights blinked on either side of the two-story walls. And the smell. Oh what amazingly wonderful scents hit my receptors! I was under the impression that in my slumber, I have been whisked away elsewhere. Fear not, I was still in the same place, on the same day too - just minutes actually in difference.

In that short space of time, I have learnt to appreciate certain things. A quality sleep. The rain. My car. People. Time itself. And the five senses that made all these pleasant experiences possible. Most importantly, I've been taught to value the company of people.

Notice how boring and bland your life would be without other people. Your life is a plain canvas. You can paint it anyway you like, yes. The problem is you are one person with one mix of personalities and traits that make you you. Meaning you are one colour on the palatte. So no matter how masterfully and skillfully you paint, one colour won't make much of an impreesion.

Your families and friends make up the rest of the spectrum. And with them and their help, you can paint a life so vivid and beautiful, the occasional splotches and defects too will seem like an intended stroke from a master painter's hand.

14 September 2012

Trying Hard

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Jazakillah khairan kathira, that helped a lot :)

10 September 2012

Never Too Old. Just Too Young

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

There seems to be a disturbance in the air. The once familiar neighbourhood now seems like a distant image of illusion, ripped and torn by the merciless nature of time. And in the midst of all this howling wind and snapping cold, a boy - a lone figure so small it looked impossible such a fragile-looking frame could withstand such ferocity and still walk through the streets undisturbed as if on an evening stroll.

The only give-away of the temperature was the boy's thick, dark cloak that wrapped him on and on in an endless sea of fabric. And the only clue that the boy was a boy was his height. Well, he could be a girl but he could never have been a full-grown man or woman due to his rather dwarfish height. One might even argue for the case of malnutrition to answer for his not-so-tall look but for reasons other than the sake of simplicity, let's not argue with the author shall we?

So here was a boy, bandaged in clothes which resemble rags more than anything really walking hastily down a deserted street. What in the world he was doing, don't ask me for in my unbiased observation he too was at a loss of activity. That was the only reason someone so young to be here so late.

Yes, lost he was. Lost in the sunny ways of typical youngsters by the timing of his arrival and the way he carries himself. Lost in identity I'd say by the way he dressed. Lost in passion for anything by the bored look he so casually wears on his face. Most importantly, lost in words because of the unbreakable silence he had weighing down on his tongue and shoulders. Silence so loud it could only be caused by loneliness and a sense of misdirection.

And here I was looking at him from a distance - aware of all the misery the world has brought upon this young being yet afraid of taking action against such widespread injustice. The boy, I sensed, however was not sorry nor seeking empathy from the cruel inhabitants of this world. Rather, he was seeking understanding - not from the same people that inflicted this curse on him but from within - from and for himself.

The boy's onslaught (I'm sorry to say) has only just begun. And I say this not to siphon what little light he still had with him but as a precaution, a beacon for the boy so that he may keep that light safe from the winds and cold that seek to extinguish it's meek warmth from accompanying the boy through the long and arduous journey he has ahead of him.

A single smile escaped his eyes. There is hope it seems though very slight. He'll need it I suppose and a good sign it was that he was able to find reason to smile even when surrounded by conditions that could've easily put an adult to his knees in utter despair. What is there to smile about? In a place so dark. So wicked. With danger lurking in the shadows, luring weak prey for easy pickings. A place so straight yet so crooked. Where thousands upon thousands were martyred yet very few know of and even fewer care to tend to the wounded.

A world of selfish fools. A place full of deceit where the line between truth and lies blur. A playground for adults, a death arena for kids where coffins are filled with dreams and shut away forever. So tell me, "What is there to smile about?"

This sad sad truth is but the nature of things. That is unless we change it.

As the boy turned around the corner, I stole one last glance at him. Nighttime was knocking on the door and with it comes the amplification of all that's bad. So you would understand why I had to step back from the windowpane. Why I just had to look away from the boy. I could not bear to follow the boy's life anymore. It was too much of a pain.


And there I was thinking running away was the answer. As I fell onto my knees, a surge of pain in my legs. How could I be so blind? There was no boy! Only the passing of day making my reflection on the glass window move inch by inch until the setting sun made it turn into the corner of the sill...

02 September 2012

Pursuit of Happiness

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Searching. That's what this is all about. And this is 'life'.

The individual within each of us is always on the lookout. For what? I don't know exactly. But something that leads to happiness. Yes, happiness.

According to science, human beings need certain necessities in order to live. Basic needs that must be met if we are to  survive and see another tomorrow. Basic needs that, deprived of it we become weak, cut off from it over prolonged periods we die.

However, in this world spearheaded by science and innovation, this era of technological progress, one of those necessities still elude us. The object in question? Happiness.

So what is this illusive thing we often think we have? Only to realise, much later, the painful fact that it never came to us in the first place. Have you ever been happy? And I mean truly happy.

Well, that's the thing: I am not so sure myself.

One thing though is for sure - everyone on this earth is in the mad pursuit for happiness. The means of getting to this mirage of a destination differ vastly. The results too vary. Some get there, others never moved an inch closer to it. Amazingly, some even move further away as they struggle harder to get there.

Are you any closer to happiness?

Moving on, and I better stop now before I get too philosophical if I'm not already, how do we catch this thing we're after? Like I said, methods can differ and chances are you may not ever get to your intended destination.

But fear not! For results are out of our domain of power. But efforts, my friend? Effort is the one and only variable in our direct control. Why worry over the winds when you can always adjust your sail?

31 August 2012


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

This is just some random stuff I feel like writing.
  1. Let's just try to do our best in everything we do okay?
  2. Have fun but stay safe. Lesson learnt.
  3. I can be a NASCAR driver. (Should really reconsider, hmmm..)
  4. Experience cannot be bought with money, cash or wealth.
  5. Friends are like gold, only better!
  6. I am responsible for my health and well-being.
  7. When you find it hard to say something, just write it in a book (or blog) and hopefully someone reads it. Then you'd have said what you meant to say without saying a word.
  8. Keeping away from your whims and fancies is harder than you thought.
  9. Money has no value tomorrow if you spend it today.
  10. Money also has no value today if you save it tomorrow.
  11. It's okay to weep and cry. Men do it too, they just don't tell.
  12. Life is unexpected, so keep surprising yourself.
  13. People come and go but memories stay embedded.
  14. Time flies regardless of you having fun or not. So you might as well have fun :)
  15. Keep smiling :D

18 August 2012

The Shift

When before I felt heavy to do it, I now find it easier.
When before I let it go to waste, I now salvage its final remains.
When before I thought it impossible, I now find it possible.
When before I choose not to wake, I now cry if I don't.
When before I look freely, I now look down with effort.
When before I delay, I now do it with haste.

When before its coming was nothing special, I now await eagerly for it to arrive.
When before its leaving was something to celebrate, I now shed tears for its passing.

Alhamdulillah, for the opportunity. He alone knows what it means to me.

16 August 2012


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

I know that I am not that strong, but I'm trying my best. No, I wouldn't call it my best, just a try, a meager effort to correct what has always been my wrong. Like an addict, I too sometimes waver in and out of this cycle. It can be hard, but it is never easy.

I try. I try to take my mind of things just so that the thoughts don't come and occupy what little space I've left in my head.

I try. I try to free my time by constraining myself and it with work and play but there come times when, abruptly, the positions switch and he comes out while I stare from within - locked.

I try. Just not enough.

I try. Just not my best.

So here I am again, at the starting point. Square one. A changed person, yet still the same old persona. My destination? A long way to go. My provisions? I know not how to value these possessions of mine. My mistake? Repeated.

My consciousness? Struggling to fight a decisive war, where the cost of losing or winning looks to be the same. However, I take to faith that this deen is a deen of effort, not results.

Results are important but compared to the effort you put in, it is insubstantial.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Ash-sharh (Al-Insyirah)[94:5-6]

14 August 2012

One More Door

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

This last door has been snapped shut. Maybe this is for the best, wallahu'alam~


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

I have always found it difficult to express my thoughts to others. I can speak, but I don't share what I face, how I feel, with anyone, at anytime. In those rare circumstances that I do, I give a surface view of the deeper recesses of my thoughts. Enough for the listener to know, not enough for them to understand.

Thus the reason I write, for in writing words come easy. I don't have to hold back, and I can give a clearer view of whatever lies within. For a few years, this method has worked out fine. This few years, I was able to express myself.

Until now...

Because as of now (a couple of months or so actually), I find writing to be insufficient, lacking, inappropriate even as a means to convey what I need conveyed.

So now, I have gone searching. Looking far and wide, high and low for that one way to feel free again. Like I used to feel. The end product I have in mind is similar, but the path I see is totally different. The path I used to tread? Not an option anymore. The new path? It scares me. A lot. But I also know (with wavering certainty) that this road is better than the last.

So what lies ahead? Only He knows. While I was a sure-footed boy just months back, I now find the smallest of steps difficult to take, and not just because I now have doubts of where I'm going but also because I desperately need someone to take on this weight for me, with me.

I wish you luck for your endeavors , for half of mine has passed. Though I did not get what I had hoped for, the results were easy to accept. All I can say is that He gave according to my efforts, maybe more than what I truly deserved.

For now, I'll go back into the shell that I once was...

12 August 2012

Mumble Mumble

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Before you read this, know that: the statements forthcoming are my personal views, you can choose to reject or accept it. I don't expect anyone to agree.


Why can certain people be so blind? It is true that we all have our own bias in matters of faith and belief, but when you see truth, that is truth and all fallacies are untruths.

The search for the truth can be daunting especially when everyone has claim over it, but know that God is near and if it's truth you seek, seek it from Him, and He shall lead you to it. Faith is all you need.

Things that are clear cut, you don't need faith to believe in it. It is those things that are vague that needs reassurance in the form of belief. If I told you to jump from a ledge and from your vintage point, you can see the bottom, you'll dive head-on given the right tools for the job. Take the exact same ledge and put yourself on the edge only blindfolded, and I don't think you'll be up for it. That is, unless you have faith.

The search for religion, is the same.

Lastly, here's a Surat from the Al-Quran: Surat Al-Kafirun

09 August 2012

The Last 10...

... is the best 10, insyaAllah :) "the change starts within us"

28 July 2012

Beating Around

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Seriously, this may be the most difficult thing to do. To ignore, to run from my urges. But, hey, isn't that what Ramadhan is all about?

This month is a month of training. More specifically, an endurance test for the soul. Sometimes it gets hard, and you just feel like giving up but remember: laa yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'ahaa :)

Just like an athlete who trains day and night, suffers muscle cramps and injuries after injuries, we too feel the strain on our five senses and a sixth: the soul. However, I believe (just like athletes) we'll come out of this boot camp a better person. The journey will make sure of that.

So, friends, this is a time to either make it or break it. You choose.

And I know, I too find my time sadly constrained by circumstances and responsibilities. I sometimes wonder how almost two months had passed without me finding a time for myself. It seems that my life has been mechanical at least - very routinized and structured, rigid almost to the point of breaking under pressure.

I just hope - and pray - that I can hold on. God-willing, I will.