19 December 2012

This is gonna be a long one....

These past few days has been boring. Much to be done but not much doing going on. Part of it cause I'm lazy, another part because I can't do it. Yet. Anyways, now that I've put some thought into it, I think I know what the issue is. I lack motivation.

Now, before you read on, this post is going to be a jumble of words and sentences that might make you wonder if I really have anything to say. Well, here's the truth: I don't have anything to say. Reading this won't benefit you in any way. It is not informative, it is not beneficial. Writing this is also not doing any good for me.

But... seeing as how my life got all so suddenly drab, I couldn't help but write it. So unless you have nothing better to do, (in other words you're just as bored) read on.

This semester was supposed to be the most relaxed period in our 2-year study period. We had finished the syllabus earlier than expected. We had no exams. Life was sweet. Not! 

Due to circumstances better left unsaid, my break has just started. And already it's coming to a close. Three (maybe four) months of holiday cut short to three (maybe four) weeks max. Of course, I would love to have it extended if possible. Yet, I have that tiny tinge of longing for class to start. Why you may ask? Because classes mean I have a purpose. Holidays lack that. And I need a purpose.

It is also important to note that I have changed considerably in the past few months. (See me jumping from one  topic to the next? I warned you...) I remembered how in the past I could live on everyday without the company of other humans. I liked having people around but I didn't need them. It was like condiments on ice-cream. It's okay if it's there but the ice-cream's tasty enough on its own. Well, not anymore. Living alone for two days is enough to drive me nuts. (I may have gone nuts after 3 hours, I don't know) Now I really have to rethink how to survive in the future. I know I will not have people around me all the time, so I need to revise a plan to keep me focused.

You may think I'm a wimp who can't even live alone. Well, it's not that. This house can be full of ghosts for all I care. Since being alone, I've finally come to realise that in many ways I am a very social being. I may not talk that much. Just social, in my own terms.

For two days, I have not eaten anything except bread. A few pieces for breakfast, a few more for lunch, and just a cup of plain water for dinner. And guess what? I don't feel hunger. I learnt that hunger is just a mechanism for me to socialise. Without anyone around me, there's no point in eating anymore. So I stop. 

"Why'd you eat then?"

Because I well know that while I can stand it, my body can't. I am perfectly fine with it. My body, however, starts to feel weak. So for my body's sake, I take a few bites. Of bread.

Sleep. What a nice sensation. What a pleasant way to fast-forward your life. If before, sleep was a biological necessity, it is now my escape. I have no one to speak to, nothing to do. So I sleep with the hope of waking up from this dream. But always, always I wake feeling more depressed than the night before. Thinking of the facing the rest of the day alone makes me sleepy. So I drift again, into sleep...

Sometimes, I feel like going out and seeing the world. And then I'd go down and check on a few things. Keys, phone, wallet. And always, always I forget to bring my voice. I don't use it, so I often misplace it. So I'd spend the day looking for it. Night would come, I'll have my cup of water and it's off to bed.

So that's pretty much my life cycle. Not much to it is there? If any of you have read until this line, then I hope you get what I'm saying. Don't be me.

And dearest class, when will you come and take me away from this prison of freedom?

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