A Journey of 114 Steps

...Starts with a single phrase: "In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful"

The Skin I Wear

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

You know how we are all motivated by rational self-interest? The way we make friends only because he has more to offer than her. The way we order the most expensive food on the menu when the bill's on someone but look for the cheapest alternative when dinner's on you. Well, it may not be so apparent at first but look deeper and you'll have to agree (at one point or another).

I too am a self-interested, calculative person. I work when I can gain something from the work. I smile when it will make me feel better, I do not do it for others. I read, and learn, and write because I am the benefactor and the beneficiary. I do all because of me. Me. Me. Me. And when I'm not so selfish, I do it for "I".

But having figured out this selfish identity of mine, I wish to eradicate him. Kill him. No, murder him, in fact. And this will be the last act I do for "I" and "Me". This last selfish act will at last set the real me free. Free of selfish desires. Free of all the diseases of the heart. And with my heart cleansed and purified, I can finally, eventually do acts of kindness for others' sake.

To be able to smile for others' happiness as well as my own. To be there for someone even if I have to lose out. To say good things in order to help one other than myself feel better. To be the best I can be, alone or in public. To be ikhlas...

This skin I wear, I have often teared. But this imaginary skin I hold, I am so afraid to be left bear. So this year, I have made a new resolution. Not a new year's resolution, nor any year's resolution; just a slight inclination to change, to shed my skin anew so that I be left naked for all to see. For all to see what I truly am, and what I truly want to be.

Hobby

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

I was alone then. But it felt just nice. My face still cool from the wudhu' and a few naughty drops clinging to my beard. "I like this place," I thought. "No, I love it". It is always calm, and not too cool nor too hot. Just right.

I used to have a place like this once. Okay, more than once. One time in our old house, but when we shifted to the next street, the place was lost.One more time at school. It became the place I so often walked to when I need time alone (which is not often). It became my fortress of solitude. My sanctuary, a place where I can collect my thoughts.

But I didn't know it then. I did not know it until today, today - the day I found my third place of peace. I once more have a spot to call when things get out of hand, but this time it's different.

Different because: 1) This place lies in me, with me, within me. 2) I'm making this place my hobby.

So you can bet (insyaAllah) that I'll be here often. Are you curious yet? Well, only He knows what my new hobby is, where my fortress of solitude lie and how often I go there. The rest of you lot need not know :)

Time Is Relative

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

I really should be digging through my mountain of work, but frankly, I think if I don't find an outlet to all these things, I will literally explode. So, Blogger, shut up and do your thing!

The concept of time is very interesting. You can ask someone what is a laptop, and chances are he/she will do a good job explaining it (given that they know what a laptop is). Similarly, go and ask a five-year old what's a tree. He/she can not only describe it, he/she may even draw it up for you on a piece of paper (given they've seen a tree before, they can at least form incomplete sentences, you can comprehend their language, and the availability of the said piece of paper. And pencil. Or pen. Complete with colouring pencils if you'd prefer).

But ask this: "What is time?"

Ask this to anyone. Ask this to the person next to you. Ask your parents. Ask a professor. Ask me. Ask yourself.

"What is time?"

Then, chances are you'll say "Time is....well...time is time!" or "Time is the hour of the day - whether it's day or night" or "The time is now 11:41 p.m".

We all have a sense of time. We know when we're on time. We know there's a time for eat, sleep, even time to shit. We know we are limited to 24 hours of time in a day. We know a lot about 'time' but at the same time, we do not know "What is time?"

I once read an article on 'time'. Some smart guy who wrote the article said "Time is what you measure with a clock". Pretty smart of him eh? 

To a certain extent, I'd say he's right. Just as length is what you measure with a ruler, just as weight you measure with scales, time is (like he said) simply what you measure with a clock.

But then, why do some people get more out of their seemingly same amount of time given as compared to others. Each of us are given 24 hours a day, but not all of us accomplish the same things. Efficiency, skills, knowledge and all variables aside, shouldn't you and me both be physics professors by now? 

The simple answer is: NO. And you know why? Because time is relative to the individual. Ever been through this scenario:

--You and a friend watch a movie together. The movie duration is 1 hour 36 minutes 21 seconds and you both sit through the whole show. But at the end, your pal has this going through his brain "That was an excellent movie! A pity it was so short though." while you were thinking "That movie stinks! All the shows he picks always sucks. That was the longest movie in my life. But let's keep that fake smile on, because the ticket was on him anyways"--

Frankly, I don't see the point of me writing up this whole thing when my stack of work is still biting my brain. But, there you have it: time being relative and all.

Oh my, look at the time. I really should be going. I have 24 hours to spend, if and only if it is not my time to go.

Last point: what if your time is less than what you think you have? What if that watch you're wearing has more time in it than you have in your life? That would make you having less hours in the next day than me, wouldn't it?

God-knows... *shrugs* maybe my own time is up. Maybe, just maybe in less than 24 I'll be out of time. Since there are no sure way of checking, why do we still waste so much of this already scarce resource? Yes, I'm talking to the guy in the mirror.

"Time's up!"

Better the Bitter

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Well, it's been a long time since I've written anything. The start of the new term has been hectic. It started out quite nice, with changes in the atmosphere, but now we're reverting to the old us. Then, there's the timetable. Which keeps being changed, but I get how hard it is to keep track of hundreds of individuals' schedule. I can't keep to my own time, imagine how hard it would be to arrange the time for hundreds of students..

Words are not coming as easy now. Maybe it's the drowsiness. Maybe it's the sickness. I don't care nor do I mind. Bitterness are sometimes sweet. I try. To not complain. I swallow. The bitter, the better.

Or is it the other way around?

Then, there's the matter of heart. I'm not quite sure but according to Sum41 it's hard to address. So try listening to the song, I love it. Maybe you will too. I don't quite know, but so long. Goodbye :)

Sum41-So Long Goodbye

Peace Be Unto You

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Treasured Moments

Sometimes, there comes a point in time where miraculous moments are made. It doesn't have to be grand, or amazing or notable - it just...is. Small talk can be miraculous. Even more so when the exchange seemed to be similar by nature of accident.

Know that whatever was exchanged will be kept safe and sound. But not all beautiful things stay beautiful especially if great care is not taken and caution is neglected.

Being only human, I too forget. So, I ask Him and you to continue reminding this frail person. And I will try to do the same.

For now, the most sensible action would be to refrain and restrain ourselves. Enemies lurk in every shadow and around every corner. Do not let our guard down even for a fraction of a second. The consequences may be fatal.

I now leave this post hanging, not unlike our last encounter...

Redha

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Hmm.. Lama rasanya tak menulis dalam bahasa Melayu. Post ni pendek saja, sekadar menjadi ingatan kepada diri saya pada masa hadapan, dan juga sesiapa yang membaca. Kitakan manusia belaka, memang dah adat dan fitrah manusia itu dilahirkan pelupa. So here goes...

Kita selalu sebut pada lidah "Aku redha itu, aku redha ini," tapi sebenarnya redha itu dalam hati. Redha pada mulut memang senang, tapi nak redha dalam hati itu yang payah.

Waktu senang, mudah saja nak redha. Bibir tak henti terkumat-kamit pujian, lidah tak kering menyebut alhamdulillah. Inipun fitrah: apabila senang kita senang terima. Senang hati meredhakan keadaan.

Tapi bila di waktu susah, waktu sempit, lain ceritanya. Berapa ramailah sangat manusia yang cukup kuat hatinya (bukan lidahnya) untuk redha dalam keadaan sebegitu. Bila kematian ahli keluarga, bila kehilangan harta benda, bila yang diminta tak dapat. Di bibir memang tak nampak, tapi dalam hati siapa yang tahu? Terdetik untuk sesaat kata hati "Kenapa aku?" "Ini tak adil" "Balik balik aku yang kena" semuanya dalam sedar tak sedar menuding jari pada Allah.

Putus asanya bukan main nyata. Tapi tak hairanlah, kerana dalam Quran pun ada sebut sifat manusia yang suka kebaikan menimpa tetapi mudah putus asa dalam diuji [41:49]

Kita semua tahu segala sesuatu itu datang dari Allah, tapi kita mudah lupa terutamanya apabila dalam kesusahan. Inipun diterangkan dalam Quran [4:78]

Jadi, berdoalah. Doa itukan senjata rahsia umat Islam :) [40:60] Kita kena belajar yakinkan diri, dan lagi penting yakinkan hati dengan janji Allah [3:160]

Seperkara lagi, kita selalu ucap "Allah is the best planner," tapi kenapa bila qadar & qada' Allah tak seiring dengan qadar kita, kita menjadi orang pertama yang mengeluh? Rezeki, jodoh pertemuan, kejayaan, kegagalan, itu semuakan urusan Allah. Kita hanya berusaha, doa & tawakkal.

Allah tak mungkin zalim. Betapa kuat usaha kita, begitulah balasannya. Cuma sesekali, kita rasa dizalimi kerana apa yang kita mahukan tak diberi dalam bentuk yang kita nak. Tapi ingat, ilmu Allah itu halus, Dia lebih tahu apa yang kita perlukan, bila masa terbaik untuk kita terima dan sebagainya [42:12]

So, mari kita didik hati supaya redha, jangan hanya disebut di lidah ya? Wallahua'lam :)

Nonsense

When we are void of ideas, we need to expose ourselves to something new to get that fresh vibe, in order to reclaim the steady flow of words.

But all I did for the past fortnight of holidays was sleep, sleep and more sleep. To my body, this is pure bliss. To me, this is nonsense!

End of the first point.

The next point: conflict. To choose between fun and games and fun and games. Which one do I choose? Which must I choose? It may not mean any difference to you but when all you have is one month of holiday, it (the choices to be made on a daily basis) too becomes this: nonsense!

End.

What happened that night

See, he was very tired that day. He couldn't remember all the details but yeah, he was so very tired that day. But see, though he was very tired that day, he was restless the whole night. There was this little something that weighed heavily on his mind and on his tongues and on his frame. He wished so very badly that he could muster any courage to ask that one question to that one person. But see, big as the thing that forced his mind and his eyes and his body to stay awake, bigger still was the big big question: How will he do it? (If he ever will).

So then there's this thing people called Google, where you type things into it and ask questions and it will answer, or where you key in that half-forgotten quotes you half remember from books, movies, amazing people, dead people, fictional people, not very friendly people and this thing - this Google - tells you all about it. I would say that is enough about this whole Google thing, but you see, you can even drag and drop pictures even half pictures even half of a half of a picture and wise Mr. Google will tell you all about it. So enough about this whole Google thing.

Then, you see, he started asking Google about lots and lots of things he never thought of asking anyone before, and some things he did want to ask but couldn't find the right people to ask or if he did find the right people it was always with the not-so-right time, or if he did find the right people and the right time, it was always with the not-so-right place. You get the idea, right?

So drowned in his questions, he did not feel sleepy that night, although I must say his body must be all objections and objections because I swear I can hear his body having a yell at him for not letting his eyes and his fingers and his brains (he was thinking too much, I thought he must have grown two or three or four noggins that night) sleep. His heart did not complain though for it was used to working day and night pumping that red thing through his body. But his other heart was a different case, for it was fighting a different fight. It was yearning and screaming to get this done and over with.

This chaotic but silent war raged on for hours. The whole world was asleep in slumber land, but had this clash been audible, I'm sure the whole place would think its the start of another world war.

And you know how that in times of panic and anomie, people just could never think straight? He was thinking all bends and curves and junctions that night. If there was ever a more bendy and curvy thing I don't know what it is.

So, seeing as how bendy and curvy his mind was, it took him over four long hours to set things straight. He put his phone on the side table. He got out of bed. He walked five steps to the washroom and performed ablution. He then spread the mat used for prayers and did four rakaats of prayers. Two for asking for forgiveness and certain wishes. Two for guidance so that He may show him what to do. Four, in total, to calm himself.

Now not a raging inferno of emotions anymore, he sat on his bed. He had done his part and now all that is left is to wait. For a sign. Any sign. Tired of waiting, or maybe this was the first sign, he opened a translation of the Book. And there it was, a verse directly telling about the thing he wanted answered. By this time, you should have somehow realised how much better God is compared to Google. So, that's one question answered.

Now, the how. So he looked back at a web page he had read a few hours ago. He copied the link and was thinking it through for the last time. He knew there was no turning back. This was a once in a lifetime thing. If it succeeds, it should go well, God-willing. If he fails, well let's not go there shall we? The moment of truth. One more button to press and it should be over. He pressed it.

Only it was the wrong one. The one time he was sure of it, he had pressed the one button he had never once in his one life pushed. Even once!

And just like that, the second sign was given to him, smack dab in his face! In a way, and I'm very sure this is what was going through him then,"This is not the right way to do it. The decision was right, the first sign says so. But your methods are down right wrong."

What happened later was a series of incomprehensible words, ughs and argghs followed by a complete shutdown of his body system and a numb feeling in his body all due to being kicked in the ass by Lord Almighty. The end.