15 July 2012

The Skin I Wear

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

You know how we are all motivated by rational self-interest? The way we make friends only because he has more to offer than her. The way we order the most expensive food on the menu when the bill's on someone but look for the cheapest alternative when dinner's on you. Well, it may not be so apparent at first but look deeper and you'll have to agree (at one point or another).

I too am a self-interested, calculative person. I work when I can gain something from the work. I smile when it will make me feel better, I do not do it for others. I read, and learn, and write because I am the benefactor and the beneficiary. I do all because of me. Me. Me. Me. And when I'm not so selfish, I do it for "I".

But having figured out this selfish identity of mine, I wish to eradicate him. Kill him. No, murder him, in fact. And this will be the last act I do for "I" and "Me". This last selfish act will at last set the real me free. Free of selfish desires. Free of all the diseases of the heart. And with my heart cleansed and purified, I can finally, eventually do acts of kindness for others' sake.

To be able to smile for others' happiness as well as my own. To be there for someone even if I have to lose out. To say good things in order to help one other than myself feel better. To be the best I can be, alone or in public. To be ikhlas...

This skin I wear, I have often teared. But this imaginary skin I hold, I am so afraid to be left bear. So this year, I have made a new resolution. Not a new year's resolution, nor any year's resolution; just a slight inclination to change, to shed my skin anew so that I be left naked for all to see. For all to see what I truly am, and what I truly want to be.

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