Changes

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Alhamdulillah, another year has passed. The year 2012 was more than I could've hoped for. I met amazing new friends and made some lasting memories. Most importantly, I went on a journey of change.

It was not something that I planned for but it was surely in His plans for me. For that, I am ever grateful. And He made it easy for me by sending friends to help me along the way. My family encouraged too, alhamdulillah :)

However, 'easy' does not mean it was an unchallenging path. I've hit so many bumps, fell down countless holes and I still carry the scars to show it.

My hope and du'a for this coming year is for Allah to grant me the strength to carry on in this path - the route He has chosen for me. I am still at a lost. I still have not found my footing yet.

Life is like a pendulum. My life at least. The second I was born, He started my journey by initiating the swing. And through my 20 years, I have swayed back and forth. Sometimes to the right. Other times to the left. Occasionally altering my path away from the regular left-right motion. 

And like a pendulum, the arc of my swing has been getting smaller. No one's arc will ever get longer. In fact we are all in a limbo, a countdown that was predetermined by the first swing. Some have it in them to reach 100, while some never saw the world - only breathing the air once before their journey ends. The are even those whose time was too short we do not know for certain if they'd lived at all.

One day, all of us will stop.

I can only pray that when I do, I stop in the best spot possible. No, that came out wrong. I now know that it is insufficient to 'just pray for the best'. We can work for the best too!

This deen is a religion based on effort. I do believe how much you put in to make something work (relative to your full potential) counts in His eyes. But do you know your maximum capacity? Chances are, you know nothing of it. 

That is why we all have to work to the best of our abilities to reach our desired target. Frankly, I have not done nearly enough for myself this last year. Now the time has come when everyone sets their resolution(s) for the upcoming year.

What's mine?

I'd rather not tell. Whatever it is, I'll strive for it all the way, bumps, holes, thorns and pain all in. And maybe the chunks of happiness I find along the way, that too I'll take in.

Maybe this year I'll do something for someone else's life instead for a change. Why not cut the crap and not be selfish for once?

There's only so much we can do before our pendulum comes to a halt.

"How much time do we have left?"

"Not much. Not much..."

This is gonna be a long one....

These past few days has been boring. Much to be done but not much doing going on. Part of it cause I'm lazy, another part because I can't do it. Yet. Anyways, now that I've put some thought into it, I think I know what the issue is. I lack motivation.

Now, before you read on, this post is going to be a jumble of words and sentences that might make you wonder if I really have anything to say. Well, here's the truth: I don't have anything to say. Reading this won't benefit you in any way. It is not informative, it is not beneficial. Writing this is also not doing any good for me.

But... seeing as how my life got all so suddenly drab, I couldn't help but write it. So unless you have nothing better to do, (in other words you're just as bored) read on.

This semester was supposed to be the most relaxed period in our 2-year study period. We had finished the syllabus earlier than expected. We had no exams. Life was sweet. Not! 

Due to circumstances better left unsaid, my break has just started. And already it's coming to a close. Three (maybe four) months of holiday cut short to three (maybe four) weeks max. Of course, I would love to have it extended if possible. Yet, I have that tiny tinge of longing for class to start. Why you may ask? Because classes mean I have a purpose. Holidays lack that. And I need a purpose.

It is also important to note that I have changed considerably in the past few months. (See me jumping from one  topic to the next? I warned you...) I remembered how in the past I could live on everyday without the company of other humans. I liked having people around but I didn't need them. It was like condiments on ice-cream. It's okay if it's there but the ice-cream's tasty enough on its own. Well, not anymore. Living alone for two days is enough to drive me nuts. (I may have gone nuts after 3 hours, I don't know) Now I really have to rethink how to survive in the future. I know I will not have people around me all the time, so I need to revise a plan to keep me focused.

You may think I'm a wimp who can't even live alone. Well, it's not that. This house can be full of ghosts for all I care. Since being alone, I've finally come to realise that in many ways I am a very social being. I may not talk that much. Just social, in my own terms.

For two days, I have not eaten anything except bread. A few pieces for breakfast, a few more for lunch, and just a cup of plain water for dinner. And guess what? I don't feel hunger. I learnt that hunger is just a mechanism for me to socialise. Without anyone around me, there's no point in eating anymore. So I stop. 

"Why'd you eat then?"

Because I well know that while I can stand it, my body can't. I am perfectly fine with it. My body, however, starts to feel weak. So for my body's sake, I take a few bites. Of bread.

Sleep. What a nice sensation. What a pleasant way to fast-forward your life. If before, sleep was a biological necessity, it is now my escape. I have no one to speak to, nothing to do. So I sleep with the hope of waking up from this dream. But always, always I wake feeling more depressed than the night before. Thinking of the facing the rest of the day alone makes me sleepy. So I drift again, into sleep...

Sometimes, I feel like going out and seeing the world. And then I'd go down and check on a few things. Keys, phone, wallet. And always, always I forget to bring my voice. I don't use it, so I often misplace it. So I'd spend the day looking for it. Night would come, I'll have my cup of water and it's off to bed.

So that's pretty much my life cycle. Not much to it is there? If any of you have read until this line, then I hope you get what I'm saying. Don't be me.

And dearest class, when will you come and take me away from this prison of freedom?

Riddles

Bluebells 

Macy's Day Parade

House  

The Wind 

Man of Devotion 

Hold On

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough

Just What I Needed

The Keeper

It's Only Life

...

The solitary tree stood strong in the middle of a vast expense of grassland. All around, jagged pieces of rock pierced the land making a colossal border between the world outside and the haven locked within.

For so long, the tree remained green and healthy. Warm winds gave the place a fresh breath. The base of the tree became shelter from harsh sunlight while warmth emanated from its shade for any who pass underneath. 

Then one day, a boy came to that tree. At first, he sought the tree's protection but as time flew by, he began to ruin and mar the tree. He poked at the roots, picked at the leaves. The boy soon realised he had been mistreating that which had saved him initially.

Sadden by his own act of destruction, the boy sought a way to preserve the tree - with all its beauty and grandeur intact - before further damage can be inflicted. He knew deep within his lonely heart that the tree will grow again, that time will make it whole again and that his parting will heal - both the tree and himself. But only if he leaves the place. For now.

A single leaf - young and bright and green - fell into his lap. It seems the tree too is urging him to go on.

So with heavy steps, lead in his chest and a single leaf in hand, he took off away from the familiar soil of comfort into the great unknown. The sun was setting. A new day was dawning. Harrowing as it may be, he saw the necessity in his action. Until the time is right. "Until I can correct my intentions,"  cried the little voice in his head.

He stole one last look at the tree. From a distance, the tree looked amazing. Bright orange from the last light of the slipping sun. Or was it light from within? A little bit of both he thought. It was a bittersweet moment.

Gripping the leaf, the boy set forward.

Hidden Meanings

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

That person was not given colour because people are prone to rust, just like myself.

The window is large enough to see out of the house, but if you dream big, you can see the world from just about anywhere and looking in any direction.

The walls are bare and at one glance may look weak, fragile even but due to the force constantly being applied to it, I believe it can and will stand against all adversity.

The stairs don't even provide a solid foothold, but think differently and you may just reach the top without taking the stairs (the normal route others often take).

The box may be small but know this: it was made of a bigger substance and only with a strong will (and enough glue) can we hold it down to size.

The storm is coming (and will come) from every and any direction but stay awhile and you'll soon find it just a gust of really strong wind that circulates in a vortex. Cut it at one point and it gets smaller. Just remember to cut it one small bit at a time. Don't overdo it.

The flower - the only object with colour(s) - gives life to what would otherwise be a plain setting. Keep that colour vibrant and continue to grow :)

Remember these things. And remind me in case I forget.

Empty Corridors & Dusty Hallways

Sayu, semacam hari-hari terakhir di sekolah dulu. Tapi waktu tu sempat juga berjabat tangan, berpelukan sebelum masing-masing mencari haluan sendiri. Bergurau untuk kali terakhir, bertukar-tukar senyuman. Kali ni, tak sempat.

Tapi, insyaAllah, satu hari nanti kita boleh bertemu lagi. Kalau tak di sini, di sana.

Terima kasih para sahabat :)

3/11/12

The scenery tonight is one of complete and utter marvel. It is not one of those views you have to pay just so you can get a glimpse. One look and that's it. No. In fact, this spectacular 'feast for the eyes' is a free-for-all incidence. Words simply cannot describe the intricate details of such wonders for no choice of vocabulary arranged in any manner will do justice to tonight's simple, yet majestic aura.

However, I will try to explain to the best of my abilities.

Before that, though, let's delve into issues of 'values'. What are 'values'? What makes something, some memories, someone or some places 'valuable'? What do you value most in life? These, and many other unresolved questions will mark most of our lives. And admit it or not, we never really understand our own justifications for appreciating something. Admit it or not, we never truly know why we love certain things, hold one person in a higher position to others, or even choose one item in a menu over the rest of the list of food items.

But know this: The best things in life i.e. the objects of highest value in life usually come free. The time spent with family and friends. A drop of rain after a hot day, a ray of sunshine after the heavy downpour, a breath of oxygen into the lungs - all given to us, with minimal or no effort on our part.

At the same time, know this too: None of the privileges shoved into our lives are free. You shed time from your personal life to get down and sit with those you love. Rain for you means floods for others. The warmth of the sun is an inferno that siphons water and food sources in one part of the world, making the commodity scarce. One breath you take in is one breath of air less for someone who truly needs it. Since you took that oxygen, he got none. As absurd as it seems, this is the sad truth about privileges. There is always, always a cost to it.

Tonight was no different. The wonders of waking up at this hour (the time just before dawn) comes at the expense of certain aspects of my life. For one, I lose sleep. My body is screaming all around me, ordering me to lie down, to rest, to stop straining my eyes, muscles and brain. But, like I said, this night is not like other nights. Somehow , it was different. In a good way, that is. I do not why it's so unusual (didn't I say we never know why we like certain things?) but it was not unwanted.

This calmness is rare especially in an urban industrial setting such as here (wherever 'here' may be). In the dead of night, the usual buzz of engine and honks of, well honks, seem so alien it was as if those dreaded sounds never echoed over the large concrete walls of tall buildings. And the hoards of people that, in daylight, often litter the streets of this metropolitan somehow seem to vanish into thin air.

*this is where I fell asleep. I never, until this day, recalled what I'd intended to say originally* *double sigh*

Learning To Say 'No'

اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

If this was a test, then I am miserably failing. I need space - something that seems to be depleting real soon - to clear something up, with people around me and with myself.

I am a big bag of mess. I have may compulsive disorder among other (soon to be discovered) mental problems.

I wrote this to stay sane. Hopefully I'll recover some of my lost senses - sense of direction, sense of distance, sense of time, commonsense - when (if) I wake up tomorrow.

Till then, I have to reorganize my life. "Now, where did I put my schedule?"

Replay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er8NlSlxh2g&feature=context-gfa