31 December 2012


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Alhamdulillah, another year has passed. The year 2012 was more than I could've hoped for. I met amazing new friends and made some lasting memories. Most importantly, I went on a journey of change.

It was not something that I planned for but it was surely in His plans for me. For that, I am ever grateful. And He made it easy for me by sending friends to help me along the way. My family encouraged too, alhamdulillah :)

However, 'easy' does not mean it was an unchallenging path. I've hit so many bumps, fell down countless holes and I still carry the scars to show it.

My hope and du'a for this coming year is for Allah to grant me the strength to carry on in this path - the route He has chosen for me. I am still at a lost. I still have not found my footing yet.

Life is like a pendulum. My life at least. The second I was born, He started my journey by initiating the swing. And through my 20 years, I have swayed back and forth. Sometimes to the right. Other times to the left. Occasionally altering my path away from the regular left-right motion. 

And like a pendulum, the arc of my swing has been getting smaller. No one's arc will ever get longer. In fact we are all in a limbo, a countdown that was predetermined by the first swing. Some have it in them to reach 100, while some never saw the world - only breathing the air once before their journey ends. The are even those whose time was too short we do not know for certain if they'd lived at all.

One day, all of us will stop.

I can only pray that when I do, I stop in the best spot possible. No, that came out wrong. I now know that it is insufficient to 'just pray for the best'. We can work for the best too!

This deen is a religion based on effort. I do believe how much you put in to make something work (relative to your full potential) counts in His eyes. But do you know your maximum capacity? Chances are, you know nothing of it. 

That is why we all have to work to the best of our abilities to reach our desired target. Frankly, I have not done nearly enough for myself this last year. Now the time has come when everyone sets their resolution(s) for the upcoming year.

What's mine?

I'd rather not tell. Whatever it is, I'll strive for it all the way, bumps, holes, thorns and pain all in. And maybe the chunks of happiness I find along the way, that too I'll take in.

Maybe this year I'll do something for someone else's life instead for a change. Why not cut the crap and not be selfish for once?

There's only so much we can do before our pendulum comes to a halt.

"How much time do we have left?"

"Not much. Not much..."

19 December 2012

This is gonna be a long one....

These past few days has been boring. Much to be done but not much doing going on. Part of it cause I'm lazy, another part because I can't do it. Yet. Anyways, now that I've put some thought into it, I think I know what the issue is. I lack motivation.

Now, before you read on, this post is going to be a jumble of words and sentences that might make you wonder if I really have anything to say. Well, here's the truth: I don't have anything to say. Reading this won't benefit you in any way. It is not informative, it is not beneficial. Writing this is also not doing any good for me.

But... seeing as how my life got all so suddenly drab, I couldn't help but write it. So unless you have nothing better to do, (in other words you're just as bored) read on.

This semester was supposed to be the most relaxed period in our 2-year study period. We had finished the syllabus earlier than expected. We had no exams. Life was sweet. Not! 

Due to circumstances better left unsaid, my break has just started. And already it's coming to a close. Three (maybe four) months of holiday cut short to three (maybe four) weeks max. Of course, I would love to have it extended if possible. Yet, I have that tiny tinge of longing for class to start. Why you may ask? Because classes mean I have a purpose. Holidays lack that. And I need a purpose.

It is also important to note that I have changed considerably in the past few months. (See me jumping from one  topic to the next? I warned you...) I remembered how in the past I could live on everyday without the company of other humans. I liked having people around but I didn't need them. It was like condiments on ice-cream. It's okay if it's there but the ice-cream's tasty enough on its own. Well, not anymore. Living alone for two days is enough to drive me nuts. (I may have gone nuts after 3 hours, I don't know) Now I really have to rethink how to survive in the future. I know I will not have people around me all the time, so I need to revise a plan to keep me focused.

You may think I'm a wimp who can't even live alone. Well, it's not that. This house can be full of ghosts for all I care. Since being alone, I've finally come to realise that in many ways I am a very social being. I may not talk that much. Just social, in my own terms.

For two days, I have not eaten anything except bread. A few pieces for breakfast, a few more for lunch, and just a cup of plain water for dinner. And guess what? I don't feel hunger. I learnt that hunger is just a mechanism for me to socialise. Without anyone around me, there's no point in eating anymore. So I stop. 

"Why'd you eat then?"

Because I well know that while I can stand it, my body can't. I am perfectly fine with it. My body, however, starts to feel weak. So for my body's sake, I take a few bites. Of bread.

Sleep. What a nice sensation. What a pleasant way to fast-forward your life. If before, sleep was a biological necessity, it is now my escape. I have no one to speak to, nothing to do. So I sleep with the hope of waking up from this dream. But always, always I wake feeling more depressed than the night before. Thinking of the facing the rest of the day alone makes me sleepy. So I drift again, into sleep...

Sometimes, I feel like going out and seeing the world. And then I'd go down and check on a few things. Keys, phone, wallet. And always, always I forget to bring my voice. I don't use it, so I often misplace it. So I'd spend the day looking for it. Night would come, I'll have my cup of water and it's off to bed.

So that's pretty much my life cycle. Not much to it is there? If any of you have read until this line, then I hope you get what I'm saying. Don't be me.

And dearest class, when will you come and take me away from this prison of freedom?