21 October 2012

Learning To Say 'No'


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

If this was a test, then I am miserably failing. I need space - something that seems to be depleting real soon - to clear something up, with people around me and with myself.

I am a big bag of mess. I have may compulsive disorder among other (soon to be discovered) mental problems.

I wrote this to stay sane. Hopefully I'll recover some of my lost senses - sense of direction, sense of distance, sense of time, commonsense - when (if) I wake up tomorrow.

Till then, I have to reorganize my life. "Now, where did I put my schedule?"

09 October 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er8NlSlxh2g&feature=context-gfa

The Road Most Took

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 
-The Road Not Taken 
Robert Frost

07 October 2012

Musim


اَلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَا تُهُ

Apa sebenarnya yang terkandung dalam hidup kita ini? Dari dulu aku selalu bertanya. Okay, takdalah dari dulu punya dulu, more to since Form 3 kut. Sebab apa soalan tu timbul? Entah. Jujur aku langsung tak ingat.

Tapi waktu tu, aku menyendiri. Macam sekarang. Aku tak bergaul sangat, just bertepuk bertampar sekadar nak lupakan rasa berat di hati, sekadar nak cover, sekadar yang masih termampu untuk tersenyum. Bila terbiar berseorangan, macam-macam perasaan mula menyelinap. Rasa tak tenteram, rimas, lemas. Tapi aku buat endah tak endah, budget and mungkin sedikit ego. Taknak jumpa orang, taknak cerita, takkan berkongsi. Selfish. Itu aku.

Dan bila dah terlalu teruk, baru nak sedar diri. Menyesal atas kebodohan diri, yang selalu menolak tangan orang. Tangan yang sebenarnya aku sangat perlukan.

Sekarang musim itu datang lagi. Musim bersedih. Dulu, aku kira aku seorang je yang melalui musim ini. Namun sekarang aku tahu, ramai lagi yang sepertiku. Ada yang lebih teruk dugaan mereka. Dalam kalangan kawan-kawan aku pun ramai. Kadang-kadang aku teringin nak kumpulkan semua masalah, penyakit dan anything yang menyempitkan mereka & simpan dalam diri aku. Biar aku je yang tanggung semua. Walaupun aku tahu aku takkan mampu. Takkan mampu faham masalah mereka, takkan mampu kumpulkan semua kesakitan mereka, and most importantly takkan mampu nak tangani sebegitu besar cabaran.

Kalau aku mampu...

Kadang-kadang aku terkilan dengan kejahilan aku. Kita. Kita tahu apa yang sepatutnya kita buat. Kita tahu jalan penyelesaian sentiasa ada eventhough maybe pada awalnya mata kita dikaburi dek kebesaran masalah kita & kekerdilan diri kita. Tapi, looking back, pada dugaan yang aku pernah lalui dan yang pernah aku perhatikan orang lain tempuhi, in the end, walau gergasi manapun gunung yang menghalang, in the end kita semua berjaya. Buktinya? Kita masih bernafas, diberi nafas yang datangnya seiring dengan cabaran hari baru.

Jadi, kenapa kita selalu fokus pada masalah dan bukan pada penyelesaiannya? Walhal masalah takkan luput tanpa usaha. Usaha dan doa. Tapi kita berdoa sahaja banyak. Usaha ilek. Berdoa itupun ala kadar saja, tak disertai kepercayaan. Sekadar cukup syarat. Aku lebih-lebih lagi.

Kalau ikut norma kehidupan, kita sepatutnya semakin dewasa tiap hari yang silih berganti. Tapi aku  tak merasa begitu, sebab dulu aku pernah kenal seorang Afiz yang kuat. Dia yakin diri, dia tahu apa  yang dia nak dalam hidup, dan dia berusaha sehabis baik untuk capai target itu. Kalau dia jatuh, dia bangun dan teruskan dengan lagi gigih. Kalau dia terluka, dia tak terhenti. Kalau dia kalah pun dia masih menganggap dirinya menang. Kerana orang lain jugak mengiktiraf kemenangan dia. Mengapa? Kerana usaha dia menakjubkan.

Tapi Afiz itu sudah semakin pudar. Aku risau, satu hari nanti dia terkubur dan dilupakan. 

If


If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;



If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;



If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"



If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

-a beautiful piece by Rudyard Kipling